Earlier this year, my daughter and I planned a backpacking trip to Evolution Valley via Florence Lake. Part of me wondered if this might be my last season of wilderness backpacking—physically and mentally, I wasn’t sure if I’d want to continue in the future.
Florence Lake has a ferry that saves about four miles of hiking each way, but it stops running after Labor Day. We booked our trip for the last week of August, catching the final rides of the season.
I also carried another wish into the mountains: to break free from my own inner hierarchy of tasks. Too often, I assign greater value to certain accomplishments over others, leaving me restless and impatient in daily life. I wanted Nature to remind me of balance, presence, and the natural flow of time, so that I can be mindful in most of the things I do, finding peace and unhurriedness, recognizing the goodness in each task at hand.
Before the trip, I felt restless, unexplainable. I followed my breath, into my heart, looked deeply within. Most of the time I can find myself there and am able to calm myself down with breathing. Along with the breaths is attention and love, giving healing and calming energy to the inner being. Usually after a while, my inner existence comes through, peacefully. But this time, it did not… It was as if all the inner works I had done just vanished.
The companion relationship I have been in for over 10 years, on and off, has not been easy. I realize that as we age, we change. In a relationship, that means both parties are changing… And we are continuing to change. To what or where? I don’t know. As I traverse more in the inner soul scape, certainty carries less and less importance. I have become more comfortable with myself, wanting more space and time to explore within, to get to know myself more. Another effect of that change is that I also find myself less willing to compromise, because I no longer want to over-rule my own intuition. I can comfortably stand on my own.
Along with the same line of projection, I become more respectful of other people’s choices, decisions, space – my siblings, my children and their respective partners, my partner, and all my close friends. Each of us have our own lives to live. We all have to answer to our own inner beings / souls at some point. If I find myself needing more personal space, it is only reasonable to understand others may need theirs too, and I need to understand and respect that.
The difficulty in the journey of growth is that it is never straight forward. There is always the back and forth between a new insight and the old habitual energy. For me, the old self still yearns for certainty, time together, shared, understood, supported, and loved. Without it, I feel somewhat empty, like some subtle but rich colors and hues are missing from the canvas of life.
It was in this state of mind that my daughter and I shouldered our packs and stepped into the backcountry of Evolution Valley. Along the way, I tried to find myself, to see who I am, do I exist for a reason? Or a simple existence is good enough… For whatever reason, I was lost. I could not find anything within myself to affirm my own solid existence – its ease, its space, its own beautiful landscapes. I saw nothing… I was alarmed by the emptiness, but all I could do was keep walking, trusting that life would reveal something in due time.
The first two days tested us. Thunder rolled, lightning cracked, and rain poured, hurrying us along and forcing us into our tents by early afternoon. Safe in the valley, we lay quietly in our tents, listening to the storm’s power. Nature in her rawest form is both humbling and grounding.
One question gnawed at me: Why do I so easily cast my partner as stronger, greater—as the Strongman— and I am powerless to change the imbalance, yet drawn to that energy? There is something toxic in that perspective. Whether or not he actually embodies that role doesn’t matter; what matters is how my mind perceives it.
I lay quietly in my tent, giving time and space for the feelings to surface. There it is – that feeling of being drawn to a Strongman and powerless to change the imbalance (at least from my perspective) or part ways… Where did that come from? I must have experienced something when I was young and unaware.
I took a deep dive – going back to my childhood. Was my mom that overpowering? That strong? I searched through all my memories of her – during the difficult time of the Cultural Revolution in China, or later in Hong Kong. She could be impatient or would rather not be bothered with me at times, but never overpowering to me. I was the fourth child in the family, so most of the time I was left alone to decide what I wanted to do.
Can it be my dad? He was a highly educated man, well read, and deeply devoted. There were maybe a handful number of times that he had been severe with me in my whole life. He was distressed during the Cultural Revolution era, but he was mostly even keel with me when I was young, and remained soft and gentle, full of love to me as I grew into adulthood.
Then it struck me! It was my grandfather! When our family went to Hong Kong in the late 70’s, my grandfather was the patriarch that sustained three families living under his provision – my family of 6, my eldest aunt’s family of 2 and my younger aunt’s family of 4. He chose my family to live with him and grandma while my two aunts lived on different floors within the same building. My grandfather was a shrewd businessman. He was intelligent, a deep thinker, a voracious reader, and hardly ever showed much inner feelings. He loved history and was a devoted Christian. He supported my 5 years of education in the United States – tuition and all the expenses. As a teenager, freshly out of China, a country that closed her doors to all external influences for years, I looked up to him, revered him greatly. In Chinese culture, respect for parents, and much more so for grandparents, is ingrained in our bones!
When I first went to Hong Kong, I was only 13. My father gave up professorship in China in order to get all of us out of China at that time so that we children could have a better future. This was the thinking and situation in the 70’s. Maybe because of the move, and the fact that he had to settle for a clerical position in my grandfather’s company, my father became gentler… and my mother obliged to my grandparents’ request to stay home to oversee the household.
As a young child, my grandfather’s intelligence, business acuity, financial strength and his strong sense of responsibility made an immense impression on me. I adored all those qualities that a 13-year-old could see – not only the strength exhibited outwardly, but also the strength within against a variety of challenges coming from the economic uncertainties and complex familial dynamics. Without knowing it, that impression became a big part of my subconscious parameters for choosing a partner – a Strongman, so to speak. Nothing is wrong with being with a Strongman. but the problem was how I responded: shrinking back into the mindset of a powerless teenager.
The realization hit me like a wave. I am no longer that 13-year-old, lost in a new world. I am a grown woman, a mother, someone who has built her own life through effort and resilience. With that clarity, the spell broke. I felt free, at last!
That evening, while eating our simple dehydrated meal, I noticed the dirt beneath me—soft, rich, unassuming, yet essential to all life. I touched it and it felt good through my hands. I said to myself, I want to be like the dirt on the ground. It is so comfortable, so grounding, nurturing. From this, new life sprouts. Onto this, old life passes on.
That night I dreamed of a figure struggling to break free from a thin membrane. Finally, she emerged: a teenage girl. She hugged me, sobbing with gratitude. When I woke, I realized she was me—the 13-year-old I had carried inside all this time. She stayed within me, as a psychic energy, depending on someone older and stronger for guidance. After my breaking free from the “Strongman spell”, she is finally set free. In that respect, I grew up to be the present me in the process.
The next day, we hiked leisurely into the Goddard Valley. Instead of looking at the far away majestic mountains, beautiful blue skies and white clouds, I looked down on the ground – the dirt, the earth. I felt the energy coming from it to my body, to my heart. I don’t need to look far for connection – just look right at my feet. That’s where I am rooted. The energy from the earth sustains me, like how it sustains everything on this earth. I feel grounded, and happy, content, self-sufficient, whole.
As if on cue, the inner hierarchy of task values dissolved… In this dirt, I found myself… All is good. Simple existence, and do what comes to me…
I thought about my life: nature, my family, my brothers and their families, my dog, my friends – my wonderful friends, my home and garden. More than enough. If my partner and I can build something together, it will be beautiful. If not, that’s okay too. Life still offers beauty in friendship, in growth, in the unexpected flow.
As I reflected on my grandfather, the shadow of the Strongman dissolved. I began to remember his laughter, his kindness, his worries and how he strained when the market was volatile… All that beauty was hidden behind this shadow of the Strongman. Now the shadow is gone, I see rainbow coming through. It is amazing how it works! Never fails, each time is like this – how the rainbows shine after a dark cloud is dissipated.
With that experience, my heart is content and happy again. When I look within to search myself, I see the “I”. All is balanced again, in harmony. And we hiked back to the ferry the next day, concluding our 4-day backpacking trip.
