A thick, impenetrable wall, existed beyond my conscious mind, embedded deep in my subconsciousness, came crushing down!

The trigger point was a casual discussion with a friend about whether I should travel with my brother

I instinctively decided against it, and my friend was puzzled… Why so adamantly against it?

I became emotional with the discussion, even furious with my friend,

Not giving up, my dear friend said, why so contentious?

A few days later, after some time needed to loosen the foundation of the wall, the answer came, like a
hurricane!

The pain from childhood hurled at me…

At a very young age, during the era of the Chinese Cultural Revolution, I was mostly separated from my
family, on and off for a few years, those formative years.

The separation included my parents and my three older brothers. It must have been so unbearable for a
young child that I buried the pain, suppressed it as deep as I possibly could, out of my mind, into the
subconscious world

A while back, I became aware of the trauma of separating from my parents. I worked on self healing
ever since. But the separation from my brothers – those memories were buried even deeper…
Maybe because it was so deep, it manifested itself in all my relationships, whether it is with my kids,
other family members, or friends.

Anything to do with connection and love, it was present, and I was completely unaware of it. The mind
was so smart in coming up with all kinds of logical, reasonable, easily justifiable reasons for my tendency
to guard myself against possibilities of a close connection. I viewed it as part of my personality, as
normal, as how it was supposed to be

Then I woke up. The image I saw was this flood of water gushing out, breaking all the barriers. Then
pain as black as black ink creeping out from the side, onto a concrete floor, extending further and
further away, eventually ran out

Sitting there, sobbing, I understood why in my adulthood, I have kept a safe distance from all my
brothers

Instinctively I did not want to get myself anywhere close to the possibility of that black pain again,
ever….

The fear of that pain, from the depth of my subconsciousness, beyond my mind, reaches out, in all my
life, to protect me

That wall was invisible to my mind’s eye, forever standing, high and impenetrable, protected me

It matters not if love, or the opportunity to experience the depth of love from my brothers, or other
loved ones, is blocked outside

Just not to experience that pain ever again

The energy spent to maintain that wall! It was a heavy toll

Constantly on guard, keeping people at an arm’s distance, never too close, no… nobody comes too
close….

Now on the day after the wall came down

In meditation

So peaceful, I am finally resting

The wall is down, the maintenance is no longer necessary, I sighed a relief, from the depth of my heart.
In front of me is open space, infinite

I cannot see the end of any direction, just open, with a very light fog, gentle light,

I can feel it all the way to the deepest depth of my soul – I am free. I am at peace

I am in the flow – it is carrying me,

I trust that no matter where it carries me, I am safe

I trust the love, the unconditional, abundant love in that flow

And because I trust it, I can feel the gentleness all around me, the light,

I am well, and I will always be well

There can be waves coming along the way, or another storm.

But when things settle, I will be well.

I am grateful, and I know I am also part of that flow

It is in me, I am in it…

All is well….

It is safe to freely love and be loved

I am no longer afraid….

It may take some time to shake off the habitual energy,

But at least I am aware….